Lingonberry Race
Nobal BiAnual Lingonberry Race 2013 The first Nobal BiAnual Lingonberry race took place March 9th, 2013. Sponsored by the Society of Wuhu Island for Lingonberries (S.W.I.L.), this small and not highly publicized race managed to draw some big name racers. Who would be more appropriate for the Lingonberry 2013 than “Team iFruit?” The course featured many classic, union-mandated obstacles, such as Flying Attack Porcupines and the every-tempting donut shop. It also included a new obstacle, the Bubble Gum Patch, in which the trails of racers entangled in bubble gum impeded the progress of other racers. The relative simplicity of the track allowed it to be the first multi-location race. Identical courses were constructed at three satellite locations – one on Wuhu Island, where Square and Circle Competed, one at an undisclosed location, where X competed, and one in the United States, where Triangle competed. Racer(ziz) positions were recorded by electronic sensors placed along the track, an example of the technical innovation that has marked E-Racers’(ziz) tenure as director of the IPRC. The race stared off with a bang as square and triangle were immediately blasted off course by the Whomping Willow, while X and Circle carefully navigated around the vicious shrubbery. Circle couldn’t resist the lure of the Donut Shop, however, but caught up with her team with a shot for the ages of the Golden Staff, propelling herself into the jaws of the Alligator. She was flown by helicopter to the hospital along with her iFruit teammates who all used the same strategy to get ahead. After healing miraculously in one turn, Circle and Square skillfully avoided the Flying Attack Porcupines. Triangle, who appeared to have indulged in her fair share of pre-race and off-season Lingonberry pies, hit the same porcupine three times, only to have it smile politely and comment “meep!” X seemed in good form and briefly took the lead, but skimmed the last porcupine and had to return to the hospital. This left Circle and Square to battle for the finish line. Circle crossed the canyon with another prodigious shot, but Square barely clung to the final cliff face. After instant replay, Square was forced into completing a challenge course that tested his endurance, an undesirable turn of events so early in the season. The racer appeared to be in excellent shape, however, thanks to his off-season diet of horseradish and cherry limeade. He flicked his trusty Noir pencil with ease, despite rumors that he was offered a huge sum to race with a Palomino Blackwing this year. After avoiding the Bubblegum Patch, Circle and Square were neck and neck on the home stretch. After a furious comeback, X was just one shot behind, but Circle and Square had nerves of steel and crossed the finish line in a photo tie. Despite Triangle(ziz) troubles with the FAP, she still finished fourth ahead of the other 76 competitors. Another 1-2-3-4 finish for iFruit! After the race Square commented “It was a fast race for early in the season. The skill level of the racers is really rising. The FAPs really separated the field.” Prizes were Lingonberry Pies for 1st place, a Lingonberry Milkshake for 2nd (unclaimed), Lingonberry Preserves for 3rd, and a Lingonberry thumbprint for 4th place. Other news of interest include the Giant Squid of Anger, who became irate when he was accidentally shocked by one of the sensors on the course. He then got into an altercation with the Alligator, and both were flown to the hospital. He finished 80th. Hexagon was disqualified after testing positive for PEWs (Performance Enhancing Waxes). When asked about the positive test she claimed her sample had been tampered with by a man in black with a t. on his chest – an unlikely story at best from the troubled racer.